I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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