wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
