In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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