How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
