if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
