I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
