I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I touched a dick in church today
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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