spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
