Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.