My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."