our cab driver is having phone sex.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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