I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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