Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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