in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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