The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
