i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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