i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
