she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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