the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
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how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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