Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
