I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
