Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
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This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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