My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
