Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I currently don't understand fingers.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
