please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
