god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
