He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
