Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We need to get me chipped asap
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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