I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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