my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
