drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
