I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
