i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
