Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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