I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
