Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
