I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka