i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose