you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
