now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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