I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
