when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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