So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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