Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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