Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
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Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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