At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
