Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
