6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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