So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You are a genius and a whore.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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