I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
