I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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