She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
