He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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