I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
