Someone shit on the floor
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
